couple getting counseling

Can we just talk?

Marriage is the fusion of a man and a woman to become one spirit soul and body, and this coming together is built upon a very vital value called communication. Communication in marriage is the word that describes every form of sharing between the partners, both verbally and otherwise. Therefore, for proper communication to be achieved the two parties must be actively involved per time. One is sending and another is receiving, with both switching sides alternatively with time.

Communication, especially verbal, is not just an avenue to transmit facts. It is a means to release the depths of content is our hearts, for out of the abundance of the mouth the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34).  So, one of the major things that happens when couples communicate extensively is the expression of their heart to one another and this helps the hearts to grow close to one another. Communication is the ground upon which bonding sprouts. Pick any two people who are indifferent about each other, they may even probably dislike each other and get them talking daily for two weeks. Chances are high they will begin to bond up. This shows that bond and fondness can be built. And communication can get the job done.


How Past Experiences affect Communication in Marriage

Even though communication is one of the key ingredients to a successful marriage, many couples are unable to attain a good level of communication that will help the marriage blossom. One culprit that has been discovered to be the cause of this is the individual past experiences of the couple. The past experiences of the partners have a profound effect on their marriage. The content of a man or woman’s heart determines how his life is, however, this heart is shaped by our past experiences and knowledge. So therefore, lack of or improper communication in marriage is always a result of the states of our heart because a man or woman speaks depending on the good or evil in his or her heart (Luke 6:45). A person with a bad heart who grew up in an environment of curse words and verbal abuse will internalize that and redirect it towards his or her spouse.

For example, a lady who was brought up under an authoritarian father who has been pretty hard on her can end up being reserved and fearful to express her opinions to her husband. She could bottle this up until the day she will file for a divorce. Likewise, a person coming out of an abusive relationship or family is likely to have strong tendencies to live in insecurity and probably hostility.

With this understanding, it is important for each partner to deal with the other in love and patience as you help them move from communication from a bad heart to communication from a good heart.


Wisdom of God  & Warfare Strategies

  1. Open up to each other

The bible says, “He that covers his sin will not prosper” (Proverbs 28:13). It is essential for the couple to open up to each other on their past. Both parties must open up on their past so that they can work together to ensure that by understanding, they help each other come out of the issues. This can be achieved through effective communication. Covering up your past from your partner would undoubtedly cause some problem in the future, so to avoid that it is important to have a sincere moment of truth with your spouse.

  1. Guard your heart by feeding on the right thing

What you feed on is what determines the content of your heart so it is important that you consciously and intentionally choose to feed on the right information. Since the effect of a bad heart was born out of a period of constant and regular exposure to the wrong things, in the same way, it can be remedied by continuous exposure to the right type of information. Psalm 119:9 gives the secret which is to open our hearts up to the word of God and the systems of God through the knowledge of Him. We all need a renewal of our mind so that we can transit from a bad heart due to our past to a good one that is equal to the mind of Christ.

  1. Be watchful and vigilant

As we are admonished to not be ignorant of the devil’s devices, it is important that we watch against his tactics by creating an environment that will foster learning new and better communication habits. Each partner having learnt of the condition and tendencies should work to create the exact opposite of the situations that breeds bad emotions. They must begin to educate themselves by learning, practice and observation. If for example the man comes from a home where rage was the normal attitude to react to other people upon the slightest provocation, then the couples could set rules that should disallow shouting and cursing in the home. These rules must have penalties attached to them which must be adhered to. And they may be broken at the beginning but that’s normal. With time the new script will override the former one.

  1. Ask God for help

Exodus 36:26 says, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” This is the word of God to us. It is an assurance that God can and will give us a new heart if you ask him. Whether it is for you or your spouse, pray to God to give you a new heart and spirit, one that is void of the effect of your past and if full of love and communicates gracefully with your partner.

The devil is well aware that communication is key to any successful relationship, that is why God also opens the channels of communication by prayer, His Spirit and His word so that our relationship can grow into a strong bond. The devil will want to attack this but it is your responsibility to stand your ground and fight for your marriage by engaging the wisdom for victory above. It is also strongly recommended that the couple see a marriage counselor to help you through the process effortlessly by giving biblical counsel to help you through the process quickly.

George & Debbie